Fear of Loss

Every night before I go to bed, I peek into my son's room and make sure he hasn't kicked off all the covers, and then I open the door so if he calls me during the night, I'll hear him. Then, I turn off the last light I've left on and stare at the stars for a minute before going to sleep. It's a ritual I've grown used to and it settles me in that brief period between closing the laptop, turning off the TV and turning off that last light.

But I think losing Heath has shaken me up a bit and reminded me of how fragile our comfortable lives really are. Someone we love can be snatched away in a moment!

So as I watched me beautiful son breathe in and out, bundled up under the covers, I couldn't get myself to leave his room. I hugged him, I kissed him, I touched his face, I whispered how much I loved him and told him how glad I was to be his mother. He was silent in response, of course, since he was still sound asleep!

I took a few minutes to determine whether my reluctance to leave was based on fear or premonition, and I realized it was fear-based. So I did some healing work on myself and almost immediately, God met me there with love and peace! I felt enveloped by both.

I fell asleep last night thinking with gratitude about what a gift my son has been to me, and how wonderful it has been to be his mother!

I thought about what a sweet boy he is, how hard he tries to be helpful, how entertaining he is when he sings and dances, what a delight he is to be around (most of the time) and how much he loves to laugh. I felt very connected to him in those moments just before sleep and I knew I would wake up eager to see him.

I drifted off imagining the hug I would give him the moment I saw him this morning. And that's exactly what happened!