Thursday, January 24, 2008

Melancholy Writing

As I was walking this morning, I had an idea that maybe if I wrote a little story about Heath still being around, it might make me feel a little better. I've been wondering how the important people in his life are doing: Matilda, Michelle, Jake...

And I thought about how comforting it would be if they could have an ongoing sense of his presence.

So I decided to write what I thought that might be like...

Moonlight Companion

Grief Is Normal. Just Not Pleasant!

In my life, in 2008, I am the happiest I've ever been. But right now, not so much!

Integrating loss into the personal fabric of my life is such a challenge. Because it literally stops me in my tracks! Stunned, like a deer caught by headlights, frozen and wondering what to do. Apparently, celebrities we like belong to us and become part of the family. At least, that's been my experience.

And even weirder, I have been feeling somewhat comforted by Heath's energy. Am I imagining it? I don't know. Do I imagine God's presence?

It makes me really strongly suspect that we have access to loved ones after they die and they, to us. I have had that thought before. I've often felt like my father was with me, here and there, trying to make up for the ghastly childhood he created for me. And after a while, I accepted that that was what was happening. I've heard others say the same thing.

But if I can be comforted by someone I never met, then what else is possible?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A Goodbye Party for Heath

Last night, I was so wrecked by his death that I decided I better do some healing work before I went to bed. My focus was grief, and I knew it certainly wouldn't heal completely, but I wanted to make it clean, healthy, with no added baggage. And I wanted comfort.

I felt better as I headed to bed.

This morning, I got up and did some more Healing Codes work. Then, I did some reiki. I sent distant reiki to Jake, and Michelle and Matilda and the Ledger family.

And I decided we'd have french toast for breakfast. All that preparation was a great distraction but also a way to do something special. When I said that to my son, he said, "Oh, like a goodbye party!"

Then he said, "I'm eating his goodbye party and I didn't even know him!" :)

I told him that Heath was a good actor and a good man. He said, "I bet he was!"

So, I thought I might take a minute here to say a few words...

Goodbye, Heath! I'll miss your presence.

I want to thank you!! As Ennis, you showed me myself. And gave me hope for healing. You and the movie that changed my life provided a catalyst for me to release my own fear of love and commitment and embrace the courage I had within to be exactly who I am. You helped so many of us in that way.

We'll go on lighting the way for others. And we'll remember you!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Grieving the Loss of Heath Ledger

I am just completely stunned and SO saddened!! Brokeback Mountain meant so much to me, and Heath was such an amazing talent. Ever since before the movie was released, I've been part of a Brokeback Mountain forum and I've been hanging out there tonight with other kindred spirits.

One of the members there wrote this poem...

In Mourning

It was just another Tuesday,
And it was surely raining somewhere.
The clouds were dark and roiling,
And the coffee water, boiling.
Were you so forgotten there?

Did you stand there at the window?
Were there children in the rain?
Did you hear their playful song,
Rising bright and sweet and strong?
Were you overcome with pain?

The sun must be shining somewhere,
In this place where you are not.
All the golden promise lost,
Can we even know the cost?
Find the who, the how, the what?

While the night is full of wonder,
Liquid silver pools of light,
For each single one that fails,
A spark of primal brilliance pales,
Takes one candle from the night.

And we sit here in the silence,
In the place where you belong,
Speaking softly of good-byes,
Recalling tender sable eyes
And sweet laughter like a song.

Now the world is growing darker
And the night is growing cold,
And the empty silence lingers
Wrapping hearts with icy fingers.
As the lonesome bell is tolled.

Now the prince has left the stage,
Strangers watch him go and sigh.
And the world spins along,
But there is no mourning song,
Save the one that weeps "Good-bye."

by Cynical21

"Heath Ledger was a courageous actor, and a great soul," Schamus said. "He gave us the gift of sharing his fearless and beautiful love - of his craft, and of all who worked with him - for which all of us will be eternally grateful."

Monday, January 21, 2008

My Son's "Love Language"

After finally getting my car back this afternoon, my son and I took a little field trip to Barnes and Noble.

We needed to get the second book in the Little House on the Prairie series, but I thought we might hang out for a while, too, and do some reading while there of some of the other fine books in the Barnes and Noble selection. There were some great love-themed children's books for Valentine's Day!

So on the way to finding a seat, I saw a collection of Gary Smalley's "love language" books, including The Five Love Languages of Children. Once we sat down, I looked for a quiz so I could find out my son's love language. Each section described a type of language and gave suggestions about what to do, by age range, to implement that language of love in your child's life.

But there was no quiz!

So I told Jonathan I was going to ask him a few questions...

Jonathan, how do you know that Grandma loves you?
"Because she tells me and she hugs me."

How do you know your Mom (my wife) loves you?
"Because she tells me and she hugs me."

How do you know that I love you?
"You wouldn't be asking me these questions if you didn't!" Then, he hugged me and said that was another way he knew, along with my telling him. I still felt unsure, so I asked...

If I were going somewhere and leaving you with Grandma, what is the most important thing I could do before I left so you would know I loved you while I was gone?
"Hug me."

Okay, I'm sure. My son's love language is physical touch, though words of affirmation are probably important, too.

By the way, he immediately asked me the same question. As it turns out, he and I are exactly the same in our language of love. I imagine that's why we don't doubt each other's love. It felt good to feel pretty sure I know what he needs to feel secure and loved. And to know I've been giving it to him!