My Son, the Rock Star!

"Do you want to lay your head on my shoulder? I don't mind!"...

This little snippet, from the Kleenex commercial we see almost every day, was my favorite from my son's impromptu rock concert. I shouted out, "Dude, you rock! Dude, you totally rock!" and he responded with, "thank you, San Diego!" (uh, no, that's not where we live).

Homeschooling went well today and since Friday is the start of my weekend, we had the afternoon free.

I'm a little sniffly and sneezy, and have cancelled my plans to attend a party thrown by one of the couples at my church, but was determined to enjoy the day as much as possible. One dose of Airborne, lunch, and we were both ready to rock and roll!!

It's a beautiful day! Unseasonably warm, with bright sunshine and a breeze just cool enough. All the windows are open and the wind keeps threatening to close the balcony door. I'm loving the afternoon.

Identifying with Heath

Sigh. I was fairly sure Heath had some kind of history of drug use but apparently it was much more extensive than I had imagined.

Though ET and the Insider obtained footage from a party Heath attended, they decided at the last minute, after showing plenty of teasers, not to show it "out of respect for his family" (and possibly out of fear of alienating other celebs?).

Here are two links if you want to read about it...

http://www6.comcast.net/tv/articles/2008/01/31/TV.Ledger.Video/

http://www6.comcast.net/entertainment/articles/eonline/2008/01/31/4e29e01b-890c-4274-9aff-7e21f6445c34/

Here's what I find absolutely heartbreaking...

In the video, he is heard to say he had a 20-year history of marijuana use. Actually, he said he used to smoke 5 joints a day for 20 years! The video was from a party two years ago, when he would have been 26 years old! Perhaps he was exaggerating, but as a former drug counselor, I have certainly heard things I would not normally have believed possible.

After his death, people are referring to him as "troubled" and comparing him somewhat with the roles he played.

I identified with Ennis. It's one of the reasons Brokeback Mountain meant so much to me. I truly believe I might not be married today if I hadn't seen the movie and been inspired by what happened to those two men I fell in love with on "the Mountain".

But I have come to identify somewhat with Heath, too, after some of what I've heard about him. Because he sounds like he was highly sensitive just like me!!

And I can so empathize with what it must have been like to pursue a career because he *had* to act and yet, really not want the intrusive paparazzi-and-countless-interviews bullshit. And the things he's said about how deeply he was affected by the roles he played, how hard it was to let go of them. I can understand that because I don't even watch the news!

One little news snippet can stay with me for hours. For days! So to deliberately swim around in dark energy, to become it. I'd never be able to stand it. Looks like he couldn't either.

Fear of Loss

Every night before I go to bed, I peek into my son's room and make sure he hasn't kicked off all the covers, and then I open the door so if he calls me during the night, I'll hear him. Then, I turn off the last light I've left on and stare at the stars for a minute before going to sleep. It's a ritual I've grown used to and it settles me in that brief period between closing the laptop, turning off the TV and turning off that last light.

But I think losing Heath has shaken me up a bit and reminded me of how fragile our comfortable lives really are. Someone we love can be snatched away in a moment!

So as I watched me beautiful son breathe in and out, bundled up under the covers, I couldn't get myself to leave his room. I hugged him, I kissed him, I touched his face, I whispered how much I loved him and told him how glad I was to be his mother. He was silent in response, of course, since he was still sound asleep!

I took a few minutes to determine whether my reluctance to leave was based on fear or premonition, and I realized it was fear-based. So I did some healing work on myself and almost immediately, God met me there with love and peace! I felt enveloped by both.

I fell asleep last night thinking with gratitude about what a gift my son has been to me, and how wonderful it has been to be his mother!

I thought about what a sweet boy he is, how hard he tries to be helpful, how entertaining he is when he sings and dances, what a delight he is to be around (most of the time) and how much he loves to laugh. I felt very connected to him in those moments just before sleep and I knew I would wake up eager to see him.

I drifted off imagining the hug I would give him the moment I saw him this morning. And that's exactly what happened!

Homeschooling to Unschooling

Though I am still learning what unschooling means, I have begun a shift in that direction and am eager to learn more about it.

One change I want to make is broadening the options for what can constitute homeschooling. And I want him to have more choices. I'd like to be able to say "here are some ideas, what sounds good to you?".

And I'd like to include more play...

From an article, How to Raise A Happy Kid, provided by Associated Content, Inc., ...

"Unstructured play hones children's imagination, teaches critical problem-solving skills, and trains them to tolerate frustration. It also helps children learn that doing things again and again leads to improvement. In fact, play is the most important "work" your child can do."

Celebrating Heath

I am sitting out on my balcony, toward the end of one of the warmest and most gorgeous days we've had in a while!

I took a walk earlier this afternoon and it is just beautiful out there!!

The trees gave me love, as usual, and I just felt so peaceful. Nearly idyllic, at times, during the walk. Just felt the lovely caress of a breeze through the balcony screen. Still feeling pretty darn good.

Except...

In the background of my head, I hear the song, "Can't Cry Hard Enough" and I am still feeling the sense of bewildered loss I've had for a week now, ever since Heath Ledger died! It's so weird to revel in the whispering of the trees, to watch them dance and sway, to stare at those white fluffy clouds, and the next moment have this melancholy wave pass by, and sometimes stop to sit for a spell.

To my right, one of the trees looks golden, bathed by the light of the sun. There's this sense of stillness and strength even as they wave with their branches.

And I get the sense that Heath is flying in the sky, fully free, boundless and happy. A little more distant, too, then I've felt him before. Do they gradually move farther and farther away after they die? If so, that doesn't bode well for Tildy!

A group of us from the Ultimate Brokeback Forum (and others we love) decided to celebrate Heath today by wearing orange or stripes or Fat Albert hats or whatever we've got that reminds us of his unique fashion sense...



We also placed an ad in Variety which came out today...

Friday Five on Sunday....

From RevGalBlogPals...

1. What is the thermometer reading at your house this morning? It started out in the 30s but is now about 58 degrees.

2. Snow—love it or hate it? Love to see pictures of it! (But that's about it unless it's only going to last a day or so).

3. What is winter like where you are? We really have autumn in winter. I like that, though! We even have warm days some of the time.

4. Do you like winter sports? Any good stories? I am not the least bit athletic. AT ALL. Unless dancing counts. But I like to watch figure skating.

5. What is your favorite season, and why? Autumn is my favorite season. I love the weather we have here then, I love the colors (orange, brown, the leaves changing) and the smells (cinnamon, apple, pumpkin).

Bonus: Share a favorite winter pick-me-up. A recipe, an activity, or whatever. During this past Christmas season, I fell in love with winter apple spice tea (made by Nestea) and would still be drinking it if they hadn't taken it off the shelves. Apparently, I am one of a select few who fell in love :).

Quiet Sunday

After a church service that was hard to sit through at times, I found myself taking a walk and having a little talk with God. This afternoon, I walked alone under the trees, under the sun and on the earth, trying to ground myself, trying to get centered, trying to connect with my faith in the absolute wisdom of God. I felt surrounded by love and comfort and in the presence of wisdom.

But I was unable to outwalk my sadness. I did not manage to outwalk my grief. And I was unable to release my complaint that Heath Ledger's death was just so wrong!

I still do not understand it!

And it is still my fervent wish and prayer that he will somehow still be here for the people who need him. I'm hoping that Matilda will be able to see him. She's still young enough, I hope, and innocent enough to believe what she sees. And to see what's really there.

It must be possible. I hope it's what happens.